This Isn’t Happening: A Prescriptive Guide for Ignoring Coachella Weekend 1

By: Jack Stein

The stuff of dreams.

Today is Friday the 13th (not that yours truly is superstitious in the least.)

It also happens to be, so I’m told, the opening of Coachella Weekend #1 in beautiful Indio, CA. As a Weekend #2 wristband holder, I await my turn in line with great anxiety, envy, and just a dash of contempt.

What I fear most are the hipster (hippie?) heathens who surely, due to either selling their bone marrow and/or pulling into their parents’ trust funds, will live the dream of attending both weekends. Here’s a purported exchange that I will have with one of these unwashed festival jet-setters on the festival grounds.

Jack: “Omg, I can’t wait to see Radiohead this Saturday. I heard that they now employ two live drummers, and are re-working the more amorphous stuff from The King of Limbs.”

Hipster/Hippie: “Yeah, I saw it last Saturday. It was meh.”

OR

Hipster/Hippie: “It was mind-blowingly, orgasmically incredible. Here, let me tell you every nuanced detail so that any aura of mystique that may have shrouded the impending show will now dissipate, leaving you disinterestedly expecting what I just told you about Radiohead’s predictable performance.” Read: “I just ruined it for you.”

To which yours truly would probably respond (in a heat-dazed and substance-inundated state), go fuck yourself.

* * *

How to avoid the terrifying Coachella Weekend #2 Hangover? Your guess is as good as mine, but here are some of my best estimations. Use at your own risk.

  • Avoid pompous-looking hipsters/hippies who look overly eager to gloat over their festival-attending cache. Like, seriously, get a fucking job or something.
  • DO NOT READ ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WEBSITES/LOCAL LOS ANGELES PUBLICATIONS THIS WEEK: Pitchfork, Consequence of Sound, SPIN, Rolling Stone, LA Times, Desert Sun…basically, hide under a rock and dream of next weekend.
  • Treat this weekend like your own “mini-festival”, using whatever music-playing devices you favor. Bon Iver is playing a sub-headlining sunset show on Saturday? Well, as the sun goes down outside my apartment I’ll just throw on some headphones, listen to Bon Iver and try not to fall asleep. So there.
  • Hope Daft Punk shows up for Weekend #2.
  • Hope Daft Punk doesn’t show up for Weekend #1.
  • Cross your fingers that the set times will be a bit different for Weekend #2. Not having to choose between Explosions in the Sky/M83 or Bon Iver/Godspeed You! Black Emperor would be sublime.

Best of luck to you, fellow Weekend #2 attendees, and if all else fails, just take solace in remembering that OUR Friday corresponds to 4/20.

Radiohead – “Idioteque”

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